[ePiSoDeS oF My LyFe]

2011-12-14T13:00:00.002+08:00

Because my love for you will never die just like your love for Allah swt.

It always get stronger.

Assalamualaikum.

At this moment, I couldn't spell myself, why I'm even updating my blog.

Only Allah knows what's in my mind right now.

All the laziness to do my work.

But Alhamdulillah, I have completed one of it.

Ya Allah, I just want to share what have happened to my life for the past 6 months.

I could never stop thanking Allah for all the blissful moments, in fact everything.

Alhamdulillah, syukur ya Allah.

It made me come to realisation that if once I'm weak, I will fall to a trap.

A trap that is far from Allah.

I have always love Allah and willl always do.

But humans, we are just too weak, too weak that we often do mistakes and sins.

For the past 6 months, I was offered working as a multimedia educator.

How much I love working here was because of my students and some of the people here.

There are times that I suddenly feel that I do not wish to continue because I cant stand the workload, the demands.

I almost give up hope, faith.

I didnt know what to do.

It was between what I love to do, what I dream to do and family.

But Astaghfirullahal'adzim, I could have been patient, more patient and be more thankful for the rezeki that He has given.

In fact, I have to admit, I still do feel that way till now.

That sense of happiness for work is not there.

Is it because of the people here or is it because it wasnt what i love to do.

Ya Allah, may you give me strength and guidance to pull through all this.

When I read all of my previous posts, I actually admire myself so much.

All those beautiful, motivational words that came from the heart.

It was so heart-warming, strong.

I was that woman, that strong woman with so much patience and hope.

That woman who actually made alot of other women jealous of her character, her charisma, her heart-felt faith and love for everyone else even though not everyone could see that and obviously Allah.

Subhanallah, I missed her.

Her laughters, her smiles, her strength, her faith, her hope.

And that was her, she was Mastura.

InsyaAllah, who knows I will be different at the nearing moment. (:

Got to go, knocking off.

I shall update tomorrow.

Wasalam.

2011-05-05T21:41:00.003+08:00

Assalamualaikum (:

Life has been great just nice with ups and downs.

It never occurred to me that I would be strong as I am right now.

I let loose of myself and redha.

There are times I asked myself how much or how far I would go for the ones I love.

Only Allah knows, its unconditional.

There are times I felt jealousy.

They said jealousy means love.

I guess abit of it that gives the spark in everything.

But I'm starting to think that if one day, Allah take away some things from me.

InsyaAllah, I will redha (':

Everything has already been written.

I believe Allah know whats best.

Thank you, Allah because you've always been listening and understanding.

I could never imagine how my life would be like without Him.

Without Him, I wont be blessed with all these magic.

I always try to be thankful of the little things that He has given.

Because you may never know, this little things are the ones that do magic in our lives.

Everything so perfect, really.

Allah is so kind that I felt that I can never thank Him enough.

For the things He has done, and the sins that I've done be it seen and unseen, its incomparable.

Let's just say, I'm not that her anymore.

I'm Mastura (:

Wasalam.

2011-04-20T15:20:00.004+08:00

Assalamualaikum (:

Just imagine how much Allah did wonders in our lives.

Because He just did in my life.

That wonder was so much wonderful.

Alhamdulillah.

I feel blessed.

Allah just opened his eyes.

Everything seems perfect now even though theres too much unseen things happening.

But I'm still thanking Him for the strength He gave.

He just never fail giving me that.

I love you Allah.

And yes.

I love you, Putra NurShafiq (:

2011-04-05T01:11:00.002+08:00

Kerana tanpa Mu, diriku tak sempurna dari akal fikiran dan hati.

Allah (':

Assalamualaikum (:

Its been awhile I blogged.

I was too busy but thats life.

Each entry before, I always felt that I have to let my emotions out here.

I let it conquered myself.

I never understood why.

I told myself to redha, but I've yet to understand what that means.

I believe that I have to leave everything to Allah SWT but I wasnt strong enough.

But Alhamdulillah, now I'm just different.

Most of time now I teared not because I'm sad, but because I felt blessed.

Even though I have to let him go and see him with someone else.

I know only Allah will not leave me.

(':

Wasalam.

2010-11-10T20:05:00.002+08:00

When it comes to love, theres only one thing in mind, selfish.

Its almost two months now, since I've stopped updating.

It was a drastic one, which I could never explain why.

Somehow or another, I just wanted to keep everything to myself for the time being.

I'm not breaking down, or depressed.

I just wanted to keep my personal matters to myself.

Too many things have happened, most were just too heart-breaking to even being said, whats more being felt.

But its like everything falling into place now.

I've stopped crying

I've stopped telling myself, "Mastura, please dont weak."

Maybe I'm a different person now.

A stronger person.

I dont regret, I'm just proud of how much I went through.

All this have to end here, not because I'm angry.

I'm just making things right.

Letting you go, and not accepting in future unless you have to do something to prove to me that your love is bigger than mine.

For now, my heart has this no entry admission.

I know you're doing well in your life now and you dont need me anymore.

Its okay. (: If its meant to be, it will.

InsyaAllah.

Okay I have alot of things to do:

car license

korea trip

photography course

counselling

I'm aiming to finish it fast, BTT done by beginning Jan then FTT by Feb, etc and etc.

I still aim to take TP by next yr's April, insyaAllah I aim to pass.

Bismillah.

Hope everything goes well.

2010-09-18T00:49:00.002+08:00

Maybe I'm just too naive.

Whatever it is, I will just keep quiet and smile.

No one will know I lied.

Now everything are better kept within myself.

Maybe I'm being secretive.

But its better off that way.

Thats Mastura now.

2010-09-16T12:05:00.004+08:00

"Keluarga 69"

Have you ever felt that something is missing from your life?

Because I always do, and it almost got me falling.

Falling like someone so weak.

And it really did.

The feeling is not exactly empty, is not exactly alone.

Its just that theres this one big hole.

Even though I can differentiate well between care and love.

It comes through together.

I just dont want to be alone.

I want to be with you.

I lost elder sis/bro, I dont want to lose anymore.

2010-09-09T23:16:00.001+08:00

Ya Allah, aku tak kuat.

Astafiraghallazim. )':

2010-09-09T18:53:00.003+08:00

In a few minutes, it marks the end of ramadhan.

Yes, I'm feeling so sad and nothing feels right at this remaining hours.

I felt so pressurized, thinking that someone might change his mind.

But it might just be false hope, but at least theres hope.

Alhamdulillah.

I just pasrah and redha with whatever that comes by, and also my fate.

I'm sorry if I may have hurt anyone in particular throughout my life.

Because we might never know that we're able to meet in the next Ramadhan.

InsyaAllah.

Selamat Hari Raya to all Muslim.

Maaf Zahir Batin

2010-09-04T23:52:00.006+08:00

MasyaAllah.

People change unreasonably, thinking that their life isn't good enough.

Every thing that we do is between us and Allah.

Be it good or bad, so please consider before reacting or doing anything foolish.

You're not alone in this world and Allah never sleeps.

He knows everything.

So be afraid yet love him the most.

;Kerana cinta kepada Allah dan cinta drpd Allah adalah yang paling terbaik.

I just came back from work, and I'm feeling shagged.

I havent eat since morning, because I cant fast.

So I fast till now since I dint go fr break during work.

I feel weak but I'm used to having gastric pain and stomach flu.

Oh my! Astafiraghallazim, if i get stomach flu, I can be hospitalized just fr that.

But manager made my day.

I do love doing closing, just that since its fasting, I dont feel like working until so late.

But today I did for the very first time in this fasting month.

Well could consider its the last one.

Tomorrow will be 2 to 6pm and then one week off because I still got alot of things to do at home.

I still need to bake nutella roll one of the days.

Tidying seems never ending.

I tidied then come those monsters at home making it untidy all over again.

I hate seeing clothes hanging around, whether its dirty or not.

I mean like, come on it smell like rotten fish.

I dont like seeing school books lying everywhere, blanket not fold properly, pillow not in place.

I will go crazy and go to and fro to tidy everything.

Oh and the best part, I dont like seeing dry clothes not fold.

Haha! I know I sound like a nagging mum now, but since I'm the temporary housewife now.

Its really unsightly to have those in the house.

Raya in 5 more days, but I dont know, I still dont feel right.

Something just not right.

I still feel like I'm forcing myself to celebrate raya.

Maybe because only me,myself and I know what exactly I feel.

Keeping low.

Manager said I'm very childish because I like to make fun of people and other staffs, but he like it.

Haha! And he dnt call me "Mas", he will always call "yang". Mcm phm!LOL!

So there was this new staff did closing too.

She was still wearing her tag even when we exit the building already.

I was being super observant and I was telling manager, "Simon, eheh she's still wearing her tag.haha"

And he went on,"walao you so bad, but haha nvm la she take bus she can tap using cotton on tag can get 30% discount, take cab say cotton on staff just show tag can get 50% discount."

I was like, "wah take cab 50% off shiok sia."

He went on, "yalor rachel thats why." while keep turning back because she was walking behind us.

I was laughing crazily because her reaction was so blur and she even like, "yaya, you wish"

I kept on laughing until my manager said to her, "you seriously wearing your tag?"

Then she like,"eh!"

Hahah! joke of the day!

My manager continued, "yalah you yaya papaya, BODOH! BODOH! hahahah people talk about you, you still dont know."

I cant stop laughing after that.LOL!

And just now, I managed to play back my manager when its time to check bag.

Haha! Well I like to make fun of people.

So when its time to check bag, I was checking his bag then I said, "eh wait like got only inside your bag got another one more zip right. hahah"

My manager was like,"wahwah wait2 you want to check right? check2.haha! wah kena me back uh.Still can remember last week I played on you."

I went on,"of course. hahaha!"

So last week issue was that I finished work earlier than him and he had to check my bag, so it took 10 mins -.- because he was like," wait got another one zip, wait2 that right zip, wait2 behind zip. Inside got zip right?"

Hahaha! I know we do crazy stuffs, he started first. :D

Shall end here; till next update.

P.s. uptoyou...

2010-09-02T16:18:00.004+08:00

For the first time, my eyes damn small.

Muke "steam">.<

Its only 4.26pm.

"Banyak sungguh buah kedandak, saya sungguh mendak."

And I'm not fasting because of normal woman issues, so why the hell, I'm counting down for break fast. :D

Sesungguhnya saya menghormati org2 yg berpuasa di bulan yang mulia ini.

Everything will change again now(:

I guess everything are just meant to make me stronger and more matured.

Being an adult isn't easy.

Even though I like the fact, I'm ageing. :O

Haha, but being an adult isn't just about ageing.

Its about learning to make choices, take risks and make mistakes even when we're afraid of failure.

We never failed, because we only failed when we're afraid to decide.

And no one in the world could influence you or force you to decide.

Only you know whats there in your heart.

Yes, everything its a matter of time.

And yes, sometimes we do have to let nature take its course.

But everything must have its beginning so that there will be an ending too be it perfect or not.

And that should start with a decision.

But I believe everything will have a perfect ending.

Because life will always be filled with so many obstacles, but there are always reason behind it.

We need to believe that Allah will surely give us a rainbow after that heavy rain.

Its never easy, and its never going to be smooth.

It might even look ugly.

But what matters is the end isnt it?

If people ask me, how come I can be so patient throughout.

Simple, because I know Allah knows that I'm able to pull through, and for all I know he promised a perfect ending at the end.

Because when you decided to just focus on the ending, trust me, something so painful or hurtful, you can easily just put aside and get over it.

And continue what you think and feel is right.

One thing for sure, I dont regret.

Because actually humans all "baik hati".

Just that, sometimes they make mistakes.

And its normal isn't it? So we should learn to forgive and not just focus on their mistakes.

Theres no such thing as rights of giving chances.

It takes courage to open our heart to give as many chances.

Thats the reason why I like ageing.

Haha! I like it when I learn something valueable in life.

But for now, I "pasrah" everything especially...

InsyaAllah, Allah has the best way.

Amin.

I'm just too different; I miss you still.

2010-09-02T00:16:00.006+08:00

There are times we need to keep quiet and let nature take its course.

I know I've not been updating regularly.

Its not that I dont want to, since I'm so free but because I'm too overly packed with blank thoughts.

I dont know what to update on each time I reached this blogger page.

And I dont want to get shitty over my personal stuffs here.

There are some things better left unsaid.

Let only Allah knows.

Hari raya left only a few more days, and I'm certainly not prepared.

Not physically but emotionally and spiritually.

I've been having sleepless nights and by right, thats not suppose to be good.

For the first time ever, I'm not looking forward for raya.

Well, previously I was having that feeling too but this time its worse.

Theres no main factors affecting it, but theres alot of small ones and I just sum it all up.

One word, empty.

I dont wish ramadhan to end but as each day passes by, I'm becoming more afraid to see the presence of raya.

Am I weak? No, just the fact that, I'm trying my best to be strong and sincere.

Most dont really know what I went through.

I never share everything even if we're like very close.

Some things I rather keep to myself.

Like for example, I cried so bad each time when I miss my late elder sis/bro.

No one knows about that except myself and Allah S.W.T.

I dont know why I always felt that absence more apart from my other two siblings.

I miss him/her so much.

But in my mind I could only imagine him/her here with me.

And other factors, thats too personal to say it here.

I dont know, I felt like I'm forcing myself for raya.

This year ramadhan is different from other years, because even though there were too many obstacles, but alhamdulillah, Allah gave me the strength.

But I dont know what to look forward for raya.

I dont wish to have a new hairdo or new clothes or new make up or whatever.

I just hope that Allah would make this hari raya a meaningful one.

And that begins with....

Let only Allah knows.

InsyaAllah, anything that is good, Allah will make it come true.

Amin.

To arwah kakak/abang: Walaupun kita tak pernah jumpa tpi Mas rindu sangt D': Semoga arwah kakak/abang tenang di alam sana. InsyaAllah. Al- Fateha.

I miss you.

2010-08-24T18:45:00.002+08:00

Sometimes the simplicity of life that make everything perfect, its the little things.

Because when we learn not to miss out any of it, it makes life so much wonderful.

And sometimes, its hard not to think about the past, how much those people affect us.

But dont worry about how much those affect us, because theres a reason they didn't make it to our future.

Because what matters is now and future.

Those good times or bad times will be just a few chapters in our lives.

Things will not be the way it used to be so theres no reason for us to rewind back time.

Because better things will come by when we search for it.

Because if you think that you're so unhappy or depressed, think again, there are more of those who suffered endlessly.

And same goes if you think there is nothing else missing in your life because you already have everything, think again, there are those who much more happier even though they do not have what you have.

Its always vice versa because Allah want us to cherish the times in our lives and not forget him.

The main reason of our existence in this world is to "beribadah" to him and the rest are just seconds and thirds.

Put that in mind and insyaAllah, life will be much more meaningful.(:

2010-08-19T20:38:00.003+08:00

Singing makes me happy, and its a part of me.
"Seperti irama dan lagu" Haha, chey2 ok dah2 :x

Today marks the end of FYP.
Alhamdulillah, 3 months of attachment plus 3 months of FYP, everything ended.
I'm glad and thank Allah because he answered my prayers.
Today, I woke up late but I didnt know, assessor would reach early like at 10am.
I rushed and took a cab to school.
Alhamdulillah, even though the waiting of cabs was so irritating.
Subhanallah, but I managed to reach on time.
If not, there goes my year 3.
So the assessing was ok I gues.
No comment, hehe.

Syaitan said, " for as long as you forget Allah, I wont forget you. "
Its scary that sometimes we may forget about Allah in times of joy, thats when we lost faith.
Just a small wrong step that we make, syaitan will be ready to invade our lives til the end.
That is why, everything that we do, say, learn, observe and experience, think about Allah.
Each time we're sad or depressed, its best that we think about him.
Prayers are the only weapons that we have to protect ourselves.
Its not easy but its worth a try(:

I admit I'm a different person now.
Whatever that I do, I will consider 3 to 4 times or even more because of Allah.
But I'm sorry to whom it may concern, that I might accidentally have something thats similar as yours, but I have no intention esp in this Ramadhan.
I feel guilty even though I do not know what I did wrong.
I wasn't angry but I was sad, when I saw that.
But its ok, I apologise and I hope Allah will show you the truth.

This year Ramadhan will not be like any other Ramadhan.
Amin.(:

2010-08-18T15:18:00.004+08:00

Love is not just about being in a relationship,affection,a bond or even saying I LOVE YOU to your partner.

Its about having the courage to give that love a chance to blossom from the very depth of our hearts.
And I totally agree with it.(:

Another day in school seems mundane.
The waiting of assesors to assess overall project seems forever.
And I think I accidentally put in virus into the school comp, its abit too laggy. Hehe!
Oh my, I hope not. I wore formal for the past two days yet nothing present yet.

"Its time to tell everything. Its like you're holding back. Sometimes the simple things make the world go round."
I smiled when my labmate told me that through msn.

2010-08-17T15:57:00.004+08:00

Sesungguhnya meskipun aku hanya manusia biasa,
tetapi pendirian dan jati diri ku berbeza dengan yang lain.

Alhamdulillah, today I felt something different.
The people whom I used to be close with texted me in the morning.
Dear Friend,
I dont know whether you have bad intentions or not.
I was shocked when you texted, but in my heart, I leave everything to Allah.
Whatever bad things that you might did, I pray to Allah that he make you realise.
I hope you wont think differently, I wanted to help.
But if you think that I did it without valid reasons. You're wrong.
I know with all the things happening in fb about dancing curry chicken.
I have to admit, its not that we hate you.
We wanted you to realise your mistakes.
But then when I think again, theres no point, pointing out your mistakes when you dont want to see.
Because we care, I care when you lost your way.
It takes two hands to clap and I admit my mistake.
Even though I dont really know what was it.
All those false accusations you threw on me, blocking me from fb and msn, and even ask your cousin to block me.
At some point, I think of how cruel I can be till you did all that.
Subhanallah. I apologise for all my mistakes to you and maybe abit of distance for us will do.
Alhamdulillah, for the mukjizat.
Allah open up your heart to at least text me in this Ramadhan.

At some point, when I was sitting quietly.
I was thinking of all that happen.
Without Allah, I wont be here as perfectly I am.
As much as Allah love all us, I wish to love him as much too.
And when we learn to love Allah, thats when we learn to love someone as much because of Allah.
Alhamdulillah, I learned.
Only Allah is knowledgeable of everything.
;"Pasrahkan" everything to Allah

Alhamdulillah its the 4th day of Ramadhan, 26 more days. InsyaAllah.Amin.
Sometimes I dont wish Ramadhan to end.

;to me, you are perfect because Allah made you look perfect to me

2010-08-16T12:13:00.003+08:00

Love needs understanding.

But before we learn to understand, we learn to accept.

Accept whatever mistakes that someone might did with an open heart.

Because when we learn to accept, we get over things that hurt.

And we learn to forgive and forget.

And it will just save all those harsh quarelling moments.

Because humans make mistakes.

So are we, we're not perfect, so if each time someone did something that hurt, we let go and pray to Allah that someone would change for the better.

Indeed, it takes alot of courage and patience to do that.

But anyone and everyone deserves a second chance.

And each time we pray for them is considered as blessing.

Trust Allah, that he will always make all those blessings come true.

Alhamdulillah, I learnt something valueable that make my heart at ease.

InsyaAllah, with all the strength and patience that Allah gave, I will be able to overcome all those obstacles in this Ramadhan.

And this Ramadhan will be a memorable one for me.

I will make my mind, heart and soul closer to Allah.

Amin.

You mean alot to me.

2010-08-15T13:40:00.004+08:00

Its funny that pictures could tell a thousand tales,

smiles, laughter isnt really the right expression or explanation of happiness or joy.

The feeling of being quiet is pretty weird these days, but I got used to it.

Its funny having people keep asking me whether I'm fine because I've been quiet for all the long hours without saying anything.

I guess I just want to be, the fact that with alot of things going on, I prefer keeping quiet and keep everything to myself.

Well, its not a good thing, but I wish to keep quiet and leave everything to Allah.

;"Pasrah"

I might ignore more things now, and I'm sorry.

I dedicate my time and life now only for Allah.

I may sound like someone who give up with her life.

But I'm just being introvert for now.

Its going to be funny hearing this from me.

Its the effect of not wanting to hurt anyone in particular.

Controlling emotions, and accept with sincerity.

I dont wish to give so much in life because I dont know if life is going to give me back that much.

Let Allah make things happen.

InsyaAllah he know whats best for us.

When its time, it will.

Indeed, I'm getting stronger than before, with so much patience and sincerity given by Allah, even though I'm quiet now.

A weak person is someone who is not able to sincerely accept "qadha dan qadar" Allah.

Alhamdulillah, Ramadhan is not like any other month, its a month that test our patience but with so many benefits that we've yet seen.

InsyaAllah, things will be better, just trust Him and never stop to "beribadah" to Him.

Because even when we forget Him, He will never forget us.

Imagine how much Allah love all of us.

;You're an exception but I'm just an option

2010-08-10T15:28:00.005+08:00

Loving you allow me to read you like a book.
Even after I finished it, I never get bored reading it all over again.
Its like falling in love with you all over again.
ℒℴvℯ yℴu♥
I have not been updating healthily.
Alot of things happened for the past few days, be it good or bad, let only Allah knows about it.
Alhamdulillah, despite of everything I'm still standing strong.
With Ramadhan going on right now, I intend to purify my heart and mind.
"Pasrahkan semuanya pada Allah S.W.T"
InsyaAllah, with his guidance, I will accept everything that comes by with an open heart.
There were times in the past few days, that I fell weak or sick.
Be it physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I apologise that it might hurt anyone it may concern.
Because I admit that I'm not an angel, I'm still that human being with too many flaws.
But frankly, its been awhile since I got angry, since I raised my voice without realising.
Most issues, I will just smile and be sincere about it.
But because of something that might affect my future, changed myself to someone before.
Someone who cant control my emotions.
And insyaAllah, in this holy month, Allah will give "mukjizat" for anyone who has been patient going through all his tests and obstacles.
I've been unhealthily busy with project deadline and work which occupy another bit of time.
In other words, with YOG dance performance this Saturday.
But it will never stop me from getting nearer to Allah.
I will always pray for the best. InsyaAllah.
Only Allah knows what I've went through.

Selamat berpuasa kepada semua umat Islam(:
InsyaAllah, Allah akan sentiasa berkati kita semua.
Amin, Amin ya rabbal alamin.

Let only Allah knows how much you meant to me.

To "Fürst" :Alles Gute zum Geburtstag! Ich liebe dich, Fürst ♥

2010-08-02T20:23:00.006+08:00

Because seeing the sunset with you, make me feel complete.

Nothing less, nothing more.

TMA performance for NDP at Marine parade area was a success.

Alhamdulillah.

Even though, the waiting seems so long.

InsyaAllah, pictures will be uploaded soon.

Because I'm too lazy and tired right now.

To twin sister:

I understand how you feel.

Remember what I told you. Trust me, it will make you feel better.

InsyaAllah, everything will be fine.

Its a matter of time, you need to be strong too, to be for him too.

This is not about you but him.

I know you've been going through alot since the previous relationship.

But remember, "Allah tidak akan beri kita dugaan yang kita tidak mampu hadapi"

I know you laughed and said, "wah wah, Mas dah berkata-kata."

But, seriously. Haha ;D

Just remember that kay, sweetie.(:

Somehow or another, I shouldnt be in the picture, maybe I rather be invisible for your own good.

2010-07-31T01:11:00.003+08:00

Romance in the rain ♥

School was hectic, week 10 just ended.

That means I'm left with 2 more weeks till FYP end.

-Attachment ✔

-FYP [2 more weeks] ❒

One and half month holiday...

-Study path ❒

"Graduation!!!"

I think I cant wait to reach that part (:

6 years of pri sch, 4 years of sec sch and 3 years of poly.

All these will end soon.

Reality check, I'm going to be a working adult soon.

And all I care about will be my financial stability.

People always said leaving teenager's life is so saddening.

But I guess I'm liking the fact that I'm an adult now.

20 years is never going to be enough to learn everything in this world.

But I like ageing. Oh my god, I cannot believe I said that.

Haha, oh well to a certain extent.

I'm no longer that girl who live under a nutshell and hide behind people's back.

I'm that woman who just live a simple life and just being uniquely in disguise.

Sometimes good things in oneself are meant to keep and let people judge.

Well, some people might judge just by looking, and some might judge both ways by looking and understanding it.

Its not easy being a good person in this world.

Each time, when we tried to do something good, without expecting any returns, people see it in a different prospect.

But I learnt that being good and doing something good for anyone, we should do it sincerely.

So even though, people might see it negatively, it will never affect us in any way.

Because Allah knows better.

And whatever bad things that anyone in our past might did to us, I guess its just a flow or a pattern that Allah prepared for us in order for us to understand things that we dont.

People come and go, supposedly with reasons.

And people often mention about parts and parcel of life.

But then they regret even after they said that.

Doing the right thing and making the right decisions should never have such thing called regret.

Because if someone has that regret feeling while doing something that they think is right, it will never work.

And at the end of the day, you will feel like you dragging yourself or forcing yourself to do it.

Trust me, its not going to be a smooth journey.

Well, just follow what our heart says, dont rush, because Allah know whats the best for us.

InsyaAllah.

Okay, I need to get some sleep now.

Its going to be another rough weekend.

I have so many things to do today with mum and Sunday, whole day I will be at marine parade for NDP tarian performance.

I'm sorry, running away from it seems to be the best way.

And I wont let you know.

2010-07-29T19:01:00.002+08:00

Being loved by someone is when you know what to look forward to every single day.

I just came back from school and here I am stuck infront of the laptop.

I'm so shagged because I've been busy concentrating on finishing my project.

Well, insyaAllah, everything will be worth it.

Lecturers were saying that for sure can get A.

Imagine my final year project an "A".

I like that.Haha. Alhamdulillah.

Its the most important project that will allow me to graduate.

These days, I've been loud yet quiet.

Maybe because I was too exhausted.

It wasnt easy juggling between school, dance and work.

Sometimes it may get haywire.

Having fyp in school starting at 8.30 till 6, sometimes plus dance training after that till 10.

And that just happened yesterday.

I was half dead when I reached home at 11 plus.

And as for today I overslept, woke up late for school and missed my morning prayers.

Tomorrow will be another day, with school from morning to 6, plus work from 7.30 to 11.

Tiring, thats something I cannot deny, the fact that I'm stressing my head with my project, with the programming codes, then work.

Alhamdulillah.

Allah gave me that so much strength to do every thing.(:

Alot of my friends in school were amazed of how much I endured juggling everything.

Btw, happy 17th birthday, Dayangku Nurafiqahwinaini.

No matter how busy I am and dont really contact you like how I used to, I wont forget you alright, sweetie.

Enjoy your day to the fullest.

I will always pray for you.

So dont worry, insyaAllah, Allah will always give you the best and watch over you.♥

Amin.

I love you, adek(:

2010-07-23T20:56:00.002+08:00

Being happy is knowing that someone you love could be happy each time they're with you.

FYP left 4 more weeks.

And I'm so happy about it.;D

Because I'm done with my project. Yes, done. Fullstop!

Well let's hope assessor going to be very nice and dont demand for any additional stuffs.

Because my web portal is almost to perfect.Haha!

So today, I was slacking plus touching up on every webpage, ensuring correct linkage and successful uploading.

And everyone in my course are so excited about Korea school trip this December.

Everyone like psycho each other just to go for the trip.

I know those korean drama fans are dying to go.

I'm not a korean drama fan.

But, I'm going Korea this december.

Yes!Yes!Yes!

Since its my second and last school trip.

Previous trip was to Vietnam.((:

And I havent crack the news yet to my parents.

But oh well, it shouldnt be a problem, I gues.;X

And its going to be on 20th to 24th December.

Yes, sad isnt it?

Why? Because 23rd December is my birthday.Haha!

Korea in December will be winter season, so I need to shop for my winter stuffs.

Okay before I cant stop crapping.

Shall update something soon soon.

I miss you(:

2010-07-23T16:25:00.002+08:00

Mulan Jameela Feat Mitha(Cinta Fitri)

Tak pernah ku sangka
Aku merasakan
Rindu yang begitu hebat
Saat kamu tak lagi ada disampingku

Tak pernah ku sangka
Hati ku terbakar
Saat aku dengar kamu sebut namanya
Dan saat kamu bersamanya

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku
Ku mohon kepada-Mu
Masukkan aku ke dalam lubuk hatinya
Buatlah dia cinta kepadaku

Tak pernah ku sangka
Aku patah hati
Saat kamu mau pergi meninggalkan
Aku yang selalu cinta kamu

Tak pernah ku sangka
Perih yang ku rasa
Sebesar rasa bahagia yang ku rasa
Silih berganti tangis dan tawa

Ya Allah ya Tuhanku
Ku mohon kepada-Mu
Buatlah dia menjadi kekasihku
Jadikan dia milikku selamanya

2010-07-22T14:38:00.003+08:00

If I could be like a sun behind the moon, I dont mind being the rainbow in your clouds.

At one point, its so hard for someone to realise how much it means to lose someone.
Only when that person is no longer here.
We often take things for granted and make things complicated.
We let ourselves drown with so much emotions not realising that it might hurt another party.
How selfish a person can be, judging just by the way a person think.
Its an actual fact that many yet understood.
Because it might not be the right time for them to open their heart and mind.
To see things not just from one angle, but through many angles.

When you realise what you need, you know that your heart feels great and nothing else matters.
Because I realised what exactly I need.

2010-07-19T01:14:00.003+08:00

Its easy said than done.

Because when it comes to certain things, if you're still angry or still moan about it.

That simply means that you're not over it.

I find it so funny that at one point I could just fall back to my old self.

The person whom I used to be.

But I can proudly say that I'm a different person now.

I learnt things that I might refuse before.

I learnt things that made me who I am right now.

Because I dont want to repeat everything all over again.

Maybe I do fall back at some point, but from now on, everything's going to be different.

Because someday with God's will, we might be.

Hanisha's surprise party was a success.(:

Im glad you like it.

I love you.

Then work. Phew!

Overall, I gues I know why Allah made things this way.

Nothing has a smooth journey in this world.

And one day, after so much throughout the years, we will be as strong as it is.

Amin.

InsyaAllah.

2010-07-17T18:09:00.001+08:00

Alone.

2010-07-16T11:15:00.004+08:00

Its never a sin to love someone,
because when it comes to love,
people prone to make mistakes.

I never ask anything much in this life.
Humans will only be able to plan but at the end of the day, Allah will be the one deciding and making it happen.
I'm someone who could be too weak at times, and strong at other times.
But I'm glad and thank Allah for what I've become and how much I went through.

Being in love is not about age or maturity.
Its how much we understood why we love in the first place.
When we understood, we learn to appreciate.
Then comes trust.
Last, commitment.
Every step counts, and it doesn't take a moment to do that.
It take years for most cases.
Many failed because they missed the first step.
Let it flow, let obstacles pass by, let mistakes comes by.
Its a learning process, until at one point, that love is too strong and nothing could break that apart, with god's will.

If I say I miss you very much, hotstuff?(:

Yummy! Chocolates! I like!>.<

2010-07-14T01:02:00.007+08:00

Because I'm not angry and I never will.

I get so tired easily these days, my head feels heavy and I feel so weak.

I need to consume medicines again.

5 weeks to the end of FYP.

And Im so afraid to not being able to finish up to requirements given even though I'm 3/4 done.

Its hard, but I know Allah will help like he always did.

Lets pray and never forgets him be it during joy or despair.

Theres nothing that make me hold back.

Because I knew things will be better.

2010-07-09T17:05:00.003+08:00

Because sometimes I'm just like any other woman.
I wondered if we're the same.
Then I realised theres something missing.
But I had no choice, I chose to keep quiet.
Because I dont want to destroy the perfection made there.
Because Im just a nobody.
I have nothing of the best.
Sometimes, I'm nowhere to be found.
Because I chose to go far away so that no one could see my pain.
And then, when I kept quiet, I lied that I became numb, I'm controlling everything.
And all I did, was I ended up crying badly and praying to Allah for strength.
Because no one knows that pain.
I shall continue to keep quiet, this is the best way.
My smiles and laughter are temporary actions.
I know one thing that can make me smile.

2010-07-08T23:43:00.002+08:00

Love can never exist just when a man meets a woman.

Love exist when a man could see the best in a woman and vice versa.

And the best doesn't mean perfect.

Everyone and anyone can be good or too good to deserve someone good or even better.

And when it comes to love, everyone have that mindset, they deserve the best.

But to me, the best isn't about how he treat, isn't about what he bought, or isn't about what or how he look like.

The best is when that man lay his heart on ours and let go all the pain he has, and admit to the whole world, that he's in love with her and its not just mere feelings.

Its when he realised that she will always make the best out of him.

Its when he make everything stop and nothing else matter except the both of them.

Its how he made her move.

And again, beauty are not perfection.

Because looks are deceiving.

What matters most is the heart.

Because sometimes we may not realise someone who's there sharing joy when we're smiling, crying in pain when we're crying, in silence.

Its time to learn to treasure those who stayed and never leave, because life is too short to waste for those people who left with no reasons

And to see everything with an open heart not judged by sight.

I'm so restless, too restless.

There are too many things in mind and I just wish to keep everything to myself.

Maybe I'm a different person now.

A person who doesnt want to lose control of everything.

A person who would chose to keep quiet just to make everyone happy.

2010-07-08T01:07:00.003+08:00

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Interested buyers, please PM me the details or straightaway place an order through the website itself.

Thank you very very much!;D

2010-07-05T17:33:00.000+08:00

Kerana aku hanya mampu membisu.
Sebak.

2010-07-04T08:04:00.003+08:00

The past that makes who I am right now.

Sometimes I cant explain how is it like to be a different person.

To suddenly be on my knees and crying like one weak soul, with teeth chattering like theres nothing else can be done.

But I experienced it again after so long yesterday.

It feels really absurd.

One minute, I wanted to be alone so much, another minute I wanted someone here with me and console me.

It feels so empty.

I cant get all emotions back in place like I always did.

I let it swayed, and I swayed with it as well.

Maybe it was that season.

Because I understood that in life, you cant always be standing tall and making everyone think that you're a strong person.

Its when you fall so many times, and even till now you still do, thats what made us stronger.

And at one point I pondered over my life, wondering about the ending.

I admit that I haven't got much strength to really smile like I used to.

It feels like everything like a part of life stage and everyone are playing their role.

But I have problems making it flow.

And suddenly, everything went haywire, and numb.

Only god knows what I was feeling.

I kept everything to myself, and I dont want anyone to know how, why, what.

Because I'm left hanging.

2010-07-01T17:33:00.007+08:00

Because when you dont understand yourself, you will stop appreciating yourself.
So learn to love yourself first, before loving others.

Today I'm updating my blog.
Like at last, I'm updating. Yes, because I'm very free now.
I was working for the past 2 conservative days after school.
School FYP was as per normal from 8.30 to 6, plus work 7.30 to 10.30.
I feel like dying, and if all my body parts have a mouth, I'm sure they would be screaming to me.
Okay, imagining too much.

I'm 3/4 done with FYP project that have to present by next week.
But I'm very angry with the C sharp program, I cant seem to make th uploading control to work.
It did work actually, but it either would overwrite the files or will not store the information saved.
I could go crazy fixing the programming codes.
But oh well, almost done.
I'm waiting for supervisor's help.
Please tell me that you know, so that you can help me.(:

Because theres always a woman behind a man's success.

She is like the backbone that supports the whole body.

She is like the structure that becomes a foundation for everything to go smoothly.

She is like the heart that beats with love.

Because when a woman love a man so much, she would sacrifice to make everything worthwhile for the both of them.

Without her, he's like a lost soul with nowhere to go.

If you're sad, I shall be th smile on your face to make sure that you're happy.

2010-06-28T00:07:00.004+08:00

Because true love exists only when both cast all their fear in facing th world.

I've not been updating well.

And its pretty much true from the look of it.

But it doesnt matter anyway.

Whatever that I update here doesnt matter to anyone.

I think it occupy a small amount of space in someone's brain then, poooffff! it go missing.

Most of my updates are short.

Because this blog has gone beyond my privacy limits.

And I cant talk much here, but I gues I like it that way.

Because I have another privatised personal blog somewhere.(:

Saaaap!Its just somewhere near yet cant be seen.hehe!

I wanted to make things right, just right, even though I know it might not help much.

But its the only way.

Key to my heart by Jessica Jarrell

"If I let you know about the way I feel
Don't know what you gonna do
So I keep it locked inside
And imagine you were mine
And I'm feeling you so close but yet so far
You hold the key to my heart"

2010-06-25T21:47:00.003+08:00

If my life was a fairytale,

I want my story to be just like any other fairytales.

A princess who fell in love with a prince charming and live happily ever after.

But I guess thats just a fairytale.

Its so hard to see it come true, its even harder to feel it come true.

2010-06-21T09:14:00.003+08:00

If you're a lost soul,
I would pray to god to be able to see you even just a glimpse of dust.

Kadangkala apabila kita bahagia, kita terlupa.
Namun apabila kita susah, baru kita sedar dan memohon keampunan dan kekuatan darinya.
Allah maha melihat, maha mengetahui.
Allah yang telah membuat semua perkara berlaku dengan sebab yang tertentu.
Itu adalah rahsia Illahi.
Kita hanya mampu meredhai dan menerima qadha dan qadar darinya.
Kerana jiwa raga, nyawa, hati, perasaan, kematian dan jodoh itu hanya di tangan beliau.
Tanpanya, kita tidak akan berada disini.

Kerana cinta kepada Allah dan cinta yang diberikan oleh Allah, itulah paling terbaik.

Because I believe when its time Allah will show the light you've been looking for.

2010-06-17T20:36:00.003+08:00

Because sometimes love is just too hard to describe.

When I look back, all I see was just dark clouds and rain.

When I look forward, I could see th sun and rainbow.

I would take a step forward to have that feeling again.

FYP is killing me but its not as much as attachment used to kill me.(:

I killed my time by watching movies back to back for hours and hours.

And all of it are indonesian scary movies.

Shit, I cannot sleep tonight. Haha!

I managed to influence th rest in th lab to watch scary movies, so all of us were watching different ghost movies.

I love my FYP labmates.

They're the coolest, the sweetest, the best.

Until, th time I finished my third movie and we all were stuck with one computer screen watching Phobia 2.

It was scary, gruesome.

After th movie, one by one were like, "Okay I need to go toilet." LOL!

Well, except for me. I dont even dare to go toilet.

The level 5 lab toilet is superbly eerie especially when its poly sch holidays, so imagine no one at all.

But Phobia 2 made me so dizzy and nauseous.

I dont know what other movies to watch tomorrow.XD

Thank you, brothers for listening.

You all are the best.

Have to thank me for listening too okay?

Meet up for Eclipse movie on 2nd July(:

2010-06-16T15:04:00.003+08:00

The long distance love.
So far yet so near.
So near yet so far.

Today another FYP day in school suppose to start at 8.30am.
But I overslept till 9am.
I reached school at 10am. ;p
Coughing and flu state.
Its so freezing in th lab but I had no choice.
So since morning till now, I'm stuck with movies after movies.
Because supervisor didnt come for a week, so I'm not pretty sure of what to do.

There are some point I felt guilty posting status of you in fb.
But I cant help it feeling disappointed remembering how you accused me of stealing your love.
I used to regard you as a close friend even though everyone else in our course might hated you.
But why? I wanted you to trust me as a friend.
Thats what friends are for.
But I gues you've changed or maybe you're just like that.
You let yourself to be someone different.
I'm disappointed to see you keep changing your love and treat it like its so cheap.
But I could just wish you th best.
I will always pray for you. InsyaAllah.
Its good that you're happy with him now but I just hope you dont take advantage of love.
Because karma will come to you, friend.
Take care, friend.

I miss my niece, Anggun Batrisha.

2010-06-14T09:20:00.003+08:00

Andaikan ku bisa lebih adil

Because there are times, I cant seem to say what exactly I feel.
Because I just cant.

One week no roster.
Hurray? or not hurray.
But I have so many plans this week.
Super alot.
Always been busy even no work for one week.

Thank you, abg2(:

2010-06-14T09:20:00.002+08:00

When you're on cloud nine, everything seems perfect.
Nothing seems wrong.

I know I've not updating well.
Its been awhile, and I get super lazy because I dont know what to update about.
To be precise, I've been so busy.
Very busy, I dont even have time to touch my own laptop.
FYP in school is the only time I can touch th computer.
It sounds so weird, but thats true.
I've been checking facebook regularly thanks to iphone.
So all this because intensive work, plus FYP and TMA(well that only applies on Sat:)).
I've been so tired.
So last Sat, had dance training at 12pm to 3pm then followed by a late lunch with the whole TMA family at BK Kallang leisure park.
All the laughters , the smiles, the sharing, the crazy stuffs.
Unexplainable, marvelous.XD
Initially, we planned to go bowling there but all th slots are full, so we had to make plan B.
So I voiced out, "KARAOKE!"
Hahaha, I know. *Tak habes2 Mas.*

So we made our way to grandlink because the one at Katong obviously have to book in advance, since we had 12 people.
Imagine that.;D
The first time ever we have a full attendance for an outing.
And thank you very much, my voice "terkehel" because I was the one who sang th most.
But 3hrs was superbly fun.
After all the singing, home sweet home.(:
Tiring but superbly fun day.
Thank you, second family. You all made my day.
Next day, worked at 6.30 to closing.
I was dead tired.

I want to keep quiet.

2010-06-09T09:45:00.003+08:00

Be with someone who makes you laugh.

Laughter is, in my opinion a key ingredient in a perfect relationship.
You have to be with someone that you can laugh with, and that includes laughing at yourself!!
If you're with your partner for their money, their looks or what their social status is, yet they don’t have the ability to make you smile, laugh at your own mistakes, laugh at the silly things that you get stressful about…
if they don’t have the capabilities to help you see the lighter side of life, then one day, when your old and grey and their looks have turned into wrinkles and money isn’t important to you anymore…
you’ll be sitting in your auld rocking chair, looking at the boring old person that you chose to be with, over the person who made you laugh.

2010-06-08T13:53:00.002+08:00

Because you are my inspiration to smile.

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))':

Because you wont look when you see.

2010-06-01T11:15:00.003+08:00

If only my cinderella story come true.

This is th first time I'm updating using NYP's desktop after countless months.
I've been very busy since weekends.
Working at CO northpoint is effing fun, with cool colleagues, I might just need time to get used to it.
My FYP days in school are rotting, now I feel th exact feeling of th previous badge.
But oh well, I'm in school and I look forward to going school every single day.(:
Today is Tuesday, second day of FYP starting at 8.30 to 6pm,

continue with work at 7.30 to 11.
Mundane day.

P.S. Thank you, Abg for fetching me and bringing me food later,
sweet uh mcm gula2,
please dont emoshit with me again later.
Haha, thank you very much.

I imagine you here.
So close yet so far.
Pretending is th best way.
Pretending that I'm fine and smile and walking away with so much tears in my eyes.
Allah knows.

2010-05-28T13:04:00.003+08:00

Falling down is just a part of being strong, crying is just a part of giving a smile.

But deep within, theres actually so much faith and hope, only Allah knows it all.

I was in my "no good mood" for th past few days, since Monday.

Maybe its due to PMS mode, maybe its just been like that.

Its like something bad just popped up and there I go, easily loses all her strength.

And it seems crying could easily replace all the smiles.

Its hard, very hard when I tried so hard to be strong and lift myself up, and knowing that things will come around.

But I was pushed down by a big, strong brick on top of me, and only Allah knows whats that.

Still I tried so hard to remove that brick on top of me and stand tall and look up at th sky.

Because I know Allah have been looking.

I want that PMS, bad mood, emotional feeling to go away.

Because I want to believe in Allah's strength, my strength and instincts.

Despite of everything, I know that I'm strong, but I need to be stronger.

Because I know and I believe things will slowly come back around.

Allah never gives us what we want but we need.

Allah knows.

One day, th truth will be revealed.

And realise that we may see but we've not been looking.

I know.

2010-05-27T14:13:00.006+08:00

I dont want you to see me, I want you to look at me, even when I'm in my worse state.

Because thats when, a man really love a woman.

Its funny that even on th last day of attachment, I'm not smiling widely.

Only Allah knows.

Please give me strength, because thats all I need to pull through everything.

"Sesungguhnya, Allah itu tidak akan pernah uji kita di luar kemampuan kita."

I was youtubing since morning till now 4pm.-.-

I found this movie named, "Dukun".

I dont know if anyone heard it before but this might be th first time for quite a number of you.

Its one of Malaysian scary movies and it is based on true story.

Yes, exactly true story.

This movie was supposed to be in th theatres by December 2007 but unfortunately, it was banned not because it has unsightly scenes, but because th family members of late Mona Fendi banned th media from publishing it.

They dont expose the reasons, bt I think its just mainly because its not nice showing th bad things that a person has done throughout her life even after she's gone, and besides it could bring a very bad impression of people to their family and Malaysia.

Because Malaysia is famously known for its strong sense of religion.

Well, in Islamic wise, black magic and whatever that has a connection to it is "syirik".

Late Mona Fendi used to be a popular singer.

She made her name all around Malaysia in 1987.

Well unfortunately, she's a black magic witch and a murderess as well.

So everyone hates her for what she did.

She used whatever power she has to kill or make anyone follow her orders to achieve beyond standards, money, wealth, power, beauty, youth.

Sound scary but too bad, this movie cant be published.

So heres th preview.

Enjoy(:

I want to make everything perfect.

Because I ___ you.

2010-05-26T12:44:00.003+08:00

Because not many understood th rain that pours on to one's skin,

only oneself could feel it and not others.

Today marks the second last day of attachment and I'm not in the office.XD

It seems endless when I first entered that building.

I thought it could never be ended.

Well like people always mentioned, good things will always come to an end.

So be it bad things too, because nothing stays forever.

Indeed, we humans should always believe that there can be no rainbow without any rain or sun.

Besides, saying it could be easy, but going through it or doing it is considered pretty much a difficult task.

With FYP going on soon, and then study path, it just meant that year 3 is coming to an end.

Seeing photographic moments of those who graduated this year made me so eager to graduate.

Getting a diploma is not as easy as expected.

Going through 3 years of Poly life and making everyone think that Poly life is very relaxful, and more on project-based.

Well, that perception could just be wrong, 3 years seems long but its too short to initiate a diploma.

It might be something that we have to learn from scratch or we might have already learned th basics ourselves.

So just stay tune because insyaAllah I really hope that a cinderella story could come true afterall.

The best part of it is knowing that you are happy, but lets just keep th worst part to myself.

P.S. I'M CRAVING FOR FERRERO ROCHER!

2010-05-24T08:59:00.007+08:00

My heart might be as strong as diamonds, but its as fragile as it is.

I've been updating but not here.

Last Saturday, was another rushing day.

Went for dance training at MPCC, followed by Cotton On briefing at NLB.

Then went to Pasir Ris Park, to hang out with TMA people.

I've been going up and down th green line and combination of circle line.

Tiring but absolute fun.

So Cotton On briefing was draggy, well I dont know, I was almost asleep in there.Chet!

Hahah, but it was fine.

Northpoint CO, behbey!(:

Will be starting soonsoon.

Hanging out with TMA people at Pasir Ris Park will always be fun, its undeniable.

All those dangdut singing, and hip hop dancing.

Haha, they made me have that hip hop interest back.

And they encouraged me to join Flash Mob. Damn, I really want to join, provided I'm really free.

I want to dance hip hop again.LOL!

"Kental la, Mas."

I'm different and I admit.

I'm sorry, that I still do.

I will keep quiet.

I forgot how to smile and laugh with all my heart.

Because I lost it, you're not here, i'm not here.

~~I miss ~~moon~~.~~

2010-05-21T01:50:00.008+08:00

Because only you bring out the best in me... *and th sentence shall continue*

Yesterday was a "sweet and sour" day for me.

I was fighting against my throat th whole night.

Coughing and coughing
It makes me feel like coughing something out from my body but I dont know what to cough out.

It continued till morning.

I was awaken by my own coughs.

I felt like vomiting but I controlled that from happening.

If only, humans created something like a brush to brush down our throat in times of itchiness.

Wouldn't it be nice?

So, hmm, I didnt go work again.LOL!

I was resting my throat and lying down watching TV th whole afternoon.

Suddenly I got a call from Bao Yu.

She was like, "Mas, you mc again?! Lets go Shiseido make up sale at orchard building!".

I was like, "I'm sick, I've been coughing badly since yesterday, going back and forth to th toilet at th office just to cough. Sale?Erm, where?where? Erm, okay uh, meet where? hahaha!EH2 but your FYP? run away from school uh."

Then she went on, "yalor nevermind going out ard 1 or 2.Sale leh. Hahah!"

So we ended up splurging our money on ZA & Shiseido make up stuffs and some saloon hair products.

Well, with addition of cotton on and forever 21 clothes.

Since she's cotton on staff, she's being so nice to pamper me with her staff discount.

Hahah!

Well, soon I will be one of th cotton on staff also, so I will pamper myself with my own staff discount.LOL!

Damn! I know my pocket "koyak".

And I just bought future state dress like only last week -___-

I'm waiting for next pay to pay for next month's bill.

Thank you, shopping partner(:

You're great, because you've influenced me to buy so many things.Haha!

But you've been a great friend, always been there for me since yr1 till now yr3 in NYP.

I love you, babe.

Your birthday coming so surprise, surprise.(:

Because I do still feel lonely and out of place when you're not around.

The feeling of walking into an alley, and realising that you're not there staring and smiling at me.

Its numb and empty.

Silence.

And its breaking myself into pieces, pieces that I myself cant join back together.

P.S. When I was eating at Cahaya at Fareast with Baobao, all th mats2 looked at me like never see humans before, and even staring directly at my face when i was eating.

Stop it kay, ish2 tk bagus tenung muke wanita lama2, dosa.HAHA!

Luckily minahs nowhere to be found, surprisingly, if not will stare at me like one monster that can eat them to death.-.-

I have eyes, nose, mouth, and ears like you do.Haha, Allah's creation.

And it simply made me feel uneasy if men species around me staring at me while im eating.

Hisssh. Note that!

2010-05-18T20:36:00.004+08:00

There are times, I question my sincerity so that I won't have so much guilt to deal with.

My day was filled with attachment, again.-_-

I managed to finish my work just on time and I seriously dont care about th things in th office.

I admit I dragged myself each morning just to go to th office.

Not because I don't like what I'm doing there but because of th environment, th people.

Maybe I'm too soft-hearted, too kind-hearted.

But well, as far as I know, I don't hate anyone and will never be.

I'm just getting myself prepared to bid farewall to th people there, and pray to Allah so that th next intern after me wont land on th same fate as mine.

I've been thinking, and only Allah knows what I'm going through.

How much I hide from a scene of so many people that I may know, or not know at all.

I lied if I said that I've not been crying.

Because I cant bear to hurt anyone.

I would rather keep quiet.

Having faith and being strong.

I want to see you smile, ____.

I'm sorry if I may hurt anyone that until they may have avoid me.

I'm sorry I know I've been troubling so many people, because I might share too much of my problems.

I'm sorry, bt the fact that I care more of other people's happiness than mine.

I never expect to be seen special or anything.

I'm sorry, because I just care.

2010-05-16T23:35:00.005+08:00

It's funny that I still could control my tears when I actually always ended up crying each time, I'm doing my prayers.

Because I know I cant hide or lie my feelings with god, he knows exactly what I'm feeling.

I dont want to show everyone what exactly I'm feeling and going through.

Keeping silent.

2010-05-16T01:44:00.008+08:00

Disini hatiku ingin selalu ade untuk mu

My saturday was a superb one, thanks to TMA.

Mother's day performance at cc which I screwed up alot.

Alot, seriously. Should be because I'm too busy and came for one or two practices.

Well mainly because I've been having problems remembering something very fast these days

I admit I'm too stressed out with everything.

Attachment and whatsoever.

It kinda ruin my mood easily, and made me lose weight.

And the worst of all, my hair falls alot more than usual.

I guess maybe its just th stressful effect.

Well so everything ended at 5 plus, went to Parkway Parade.

Had our breakfast plus lunch plus dinner at banquet.

Then off to changi airport.

Roamed and roamed while waiting to send Amal's mum for her flight to London.

These people really made "pecah perut".

We laughed like nobody's business.

Its great to see TMA this way.

Everyone now have that sense of belonging.

Another outing please? Karaoke or fly kite?

Karaoke, I will be singing, but fly kite, I will end up seeing you guys fly kite and enjoy th moment instead. Hahaha!

Thank you, you all made my day.(:

When I kept quiet, I was having alot of things in mind, you, friends, family, second family(TMA), attachment and soon work again.

I was keeping something in mind.

I wanted to get myself nearer to Allah.

Each time, I felt heartbroken, or just felt like crying, I will think of Allah.

If we least expect something good, insyaAllah they will sneak into our lives and make our long period patience to be rewarding.

I believe that everything comes with a reason, its never the end if theres no happy ending.

Allah is knowledgeble of everything thats happening.

I'm sure he knows whats best for us.

If we learn to listen to our heart, and even though we might end being in a difficult or complicated situation, it never meant that we took th wrong path, and it never meant that Allah close all th doors of th right route, it just meant that Allah loves us very much.

And he knows that we can go through it with much patience and strength, and will have a taste of th sweetness of happiness at th end of th day.

Trust Allah, so that we will always be blessed by him.

InsyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah, I'm begining to understand why certain things happening.

But for now, I will keep quiet even though.., I want to see you smile and laugh.

2010-05-14T00:05:00.006+08:00

Trust is like a mirror,

you can try fixing it back together yet you still could see th cracks in between.

Tiring day and unforgettable ones, well in a bad way.

Attachment is giving me a hell of shit.

For th past 2 days, thank you very much for th wonderful experience.-.-

Shall not explain further.

Like I said to everyone else, even after I graduated I'm not coming back to that company for sure.

It will be sickening, if I intend to continue working there.

The people, the environment.

I dont know why I always ended up in a racist environment, but well here I am.

And as for me, I dont care what they might whisper or talk about in their language in particular.

Seriously I dont, because for me, whats the point of hearing people's opinion who cant appreciate other people's feelings.

People come and go in life.

Well, Allah is great.

I kept quiet because I just want to stay th way I am.

And I've been praying hard to god so that he will protect me and give me all the strength, each time I'm being thrown critics or whatsoever.

Alhamdulillah, I'm holding on till now.

9 more days, and I'm done.(:

Pyramid-Charice feat Iyaz

Because at times, I wanted to hide as much as I could so that no one knows.

I just want to see you happy.

But its making me fall apart too.

I've been praying hard.

P.S. I jailbreak my "baby"(Iphone)(: Whooho!

2010-05-11T08:56:00.008+08:00

Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to us

Yesterday was a tiring day.

I think everyday would be and have been.

I went for interview in the morning.

And, hello cotton on.LOL!(:

Goodbye mitju.

Alhamdulillah, i'm glad apart from all th neverending obstacles, he gave that glimpse of light.

Even if its a glimpse, I know if we always pray and think of him, he will always be there for us too.

Went back to office at around 1 plus.

Then did my Navy advertisement again.

I dragged this one for quite some time, because I really do not have much idea on Singapore Navy.

Well, that mundane activity ended at 5.30pm like always.

Went to meet up with my cousin after that and she treated karaoke and mcdonalds.

Haha, thank you cousin.

So sweet of you.(:

A late picture update of Mum and Grandmum on Mother's day.

My mum was like," dengan baju gini eh buruk la."

See thats why, she's looking down.Haha.

She will kill me if she sees this.LOL!

Kerana aku diam bukan bermaksud aku membisu, tapi aku tk tega untuk melukakan hatimu.

Senyum mu adalah kebahagiaan ku, meskipun hati ini tetap terguris.

Aku tk mampu

2010-05-09T21:06:00.005+08:00

To love someone is to keep quiet and do whatever it takes to make him happy,

and to be able to see his smile even though it's gona hurt oneself.

I'm updating often than usual, because I know I will be superbly busy again once I'm up with a new job.

I'm counting down for my attachment to end, and praying hard for tomorrow's interview to be a success.

To my dearest twin sister, Arifah.

You are the sweetest. Really.(:

Thank you, I know you will always be there for me.

And we shall do something crazy together like jumping down from a building?

"You jump, I jump la." Okay pe, romantic seh u.

Hahaha. InsyaAllah I will be fine even though I may look abit active but weak inside.

I know things gona be okay.

Meet up with you soon.

Psst, dont send wrong msg again, I really thought you calling me,"bie" when actually you were gona text *ehem*.

Hahaha, i love you, twin sister.(:

Again , I became weak.

I fell again when I saw that.

Then I kept quiet, pretended that I'm ok with it.

I managed to make everyone think that I'm okay, even you, but the fact is I'm fighting against th pain that only Allah S.W.T knows.

I still do.

I just dont want you to know.):

Love, ~~bulan~~.

2010-05-09T12:48:00.002+08:00

To me, theres nothing greater than a mother's love to her child

Yesterday was a perfect plan.

Even though it was superbly last minute.

It turned out great.

Alhamdulillah.

Surprised my mum and grandmother.

I bought for mum, charles and keith bag, a red rose, a chocolate cake, and pizza, pizza, pizza.

And for grandmother, a sandal that she need so badly and a purple rose.

I love you, mum even though I seldomly say it but I really do.

Nothing I do could replace your sacrifices and your deeds for us.

I thank god, alhamdulillah because I was given the chance to have a mum like you.

You might look fierce and naggy most of th time, but deep inside your heart, you have that softer part.

Thank you for everything, my dearest Mother.

Smile always.

And we shall do more shopping together.(:

Goodbye work, goodbye Mitju, because I never love you and I cant work in a place that I cant be happy about.

I may not know if I'm doing th right thing but...

InsyaAllah Allah will lead me to th right path

Psst, new job be nice to me on Monday.(:

Each time I think of you, I asked Allah if I'm doing th right thing.

Allah kept quiet and slowly gave me signs of answer.

Especially yesterday.

I am now very certain with Allah's answers.

Yesterday was my treat, today is brother's turn to treat.

Okay makan besar.

I want to go solat first.

Psst, alhamdulillah, I'm so happy today because from today onwards,I have two mother who loves me.

2010-05-08T15:29:00.004+08:00

The moment I wanted to be someone special, it shattered.

Work today, I should say half day -.-

I'm down with fever, was pretty weak.

But I think I should be fine after some rest and medication.

I fell and I got up.

I fell again, and I get up again.

It seems so easy when you do that physically.

But when it comes to mentally and emotionally, its so weird that it became so hard.

And right now I'm facing it all alone.

And no one understood, how it feels like to just keep quiet, when actually everything else inside is in pain.

Only Allah knows what I've been through and what I'm going through.

I think its better for me to keep quiet and pretend to be fine.

Because I dont want anyone to know that pain of mine.

2010-05-07T22:13:00.003+08:00

When the sun sets, and all I wanted was just to see your face.

Moon.

Today I'm on MC again.

Well, I decided to take th day off, after thinking twice, thrice.

Went to Hanisha's crib and had my talk with this bestfriend of mine.

Our 7 years of friendship still stay strong till now, and still counting till we get married, have kids, and grandchildren.

InsyaAllah, if we're given longer life, we will grow old together.

Its the process.

Its not the duration of our friendship but its what we've been through.

The joy, the laughter, those cries, those silly things we did together.

It can never be replace with anything else in this world.

I went home after that and here I am blogging even though I'm having short of breaths.

It just have to come every night now, which I dont quite understand why.

I'm so afraid if I'm suspected with asthma.

I cant afford to be sick, because I'm working and everything else happening in my life.

And tomorrow I'm working at somerset 313.):

There are times when I was thinking of you, missing you at certain point.

Alot of time.

But I know I just need to keep quiet and just keep everything to myself.

I'm praying for you.

2010-05-07T01:46:00.011+08:00

I'm suppose to be sleeping and here I am blogging.

Okay thats because I'm releasing my boredom.

So here I am reminiscing my own self.

Photos below are taken only in 2009.

From short hair, long hair, bangs, curls.

Photos you've seen footage or might not have seen footage.

Well, self indulgence.-__-

Its for the fun of it.Hehe.

2010-05-06T08:44:00.004+08:00

If I wasnt given this choice, I would slowly walk to you even if I'm barefooted.

Today I didnt go for attachment.

I'm so weak, so tired, so sick.

For the past two nights, I been having short of breaths, its so hard for me to breath.

And today I woke up with coughs.

Went to polyclinic, and it was just slight fever and coughs, bt hopefully I dont get asthma.

I dont want to end up going to and fro to the polyclinic or hospital.

Doctor gave me 2 days mc and I think I need lots of rest but having mc which means no money for that day for attachment.

And I still have a few more advertisement templates which I'm not done with.

I need to rush everything before my attachment ends.

But I really dont have the strength.

And my friends were cursing me and kept telling me to stay at home and rest.

Well taking an mc will be my only off days, because if not my wkdays will be filled with attachment and wkends will be filled with either dance trainings or work.

I shouldn't push myself too much, but it seems like I have no choice.

I am rather disappointed with someone who called himself a bestfriend.

Someone who said that he told the whole world, I'm his only bestfriend.

But the fact that, when I texted you or even talk to you in msn, you made it so obvious that you can't be bothered and only welcome new friends.

I'm not sure, I can't read people's mind.

Indeed, I know your life is so full of problems, problems that even me, a noble human being might not understand.

When I advised you, or even texted you telling you how much I wanted to be there for you, to listen to you, to cry with you as a good friend, a bestfriend.

You might have ignored or just too busy to reply.

I cant deny, I'm someone who cares alot about people who are around me, and especially those closest to me.

I would give my all and every strength that I have to help anyone in need.

I am born to be like that.

I cant see other people unhappy, and I would rather sacrifice my own happiness for them.

And all I need is for you to respond.

To realise that you are not alone, bestfriend.

There are so many people around you having the same fate or even worse.

And to be precise, I myself having a rough route in my life.

It has never been easy, or smooth, for as long as we have no limitations of patience and also having so many people supporting us.

Everything that happen comes with a reason, we might brag, we might filled with regrets, we might feel its never unfair, but have we ever tried taking the good out of the bad.

Its no use for you to keep saying sorry each time, you dont feel like sharing.

I understand how it feels, when we dont feel like sharing.

But I think you should be more sorry to yourself for hiding and deliberately hurting yourself.

Allah is always there for us.

We shouldnt give up for as we know he has never give up on us, not even once.

Trust Allah.

InsyaAllah, Allah will never test us out of our capability.

At times, I look around and also the night sky, my face expression changed.

2010-05-04T08:54:00.011+08:00

Sometimes it just need strength and faith.

It has always been a part of me.

Overseas wedding show on last wkends.

Went to KL with Arifah, Sham & Amal.

My first time going for trip without any teacher/lecturer or parent's supervision.

It was like just us.(;

But I sure did have fun with these people.

Shopping, dinner at Kenny rogers( jakun since in Singapore its not halal :) ), performance.

It has never happen in history, my first time of wearing high heels and doing joget.

Haha, well, it happen so suddenly, th people requested for one more time, and it was so spontaneous, so I dint have to time to even take out my heels.

But its an experience.

Performing in a kampung wedding.

Really want to do it again.Hehe.

I had fun with my twin sister, Arifah.

All those night gossiping, shopping, our "jakunness" when taking grassland bus.

Hahahah!

No wonder we're called twin sisters.(: I'm missing you already. tsk.

Enjoy th pictures.

2010-04-30T16:08:00.001+08:00

No one is perfect, so when you said in that text message, "i'm not good enough for you",

I began to think if maybe I'm not good enought for you too.

And I tried to do everything and anything just to be the best for you.

But to me, there may be better guys out there, there maybe thousands of them, but do you ever wonder, why you are still the best for me.

I'm so tired and I felt like my eyes just want to jump out from my face.

Today someone will be out from camp, and I will be away from Singapore for the whole of my weekends.

Will not be working, but its just a short getaway.

At first, I thought that this short getaway would help, but to think of it again, I don't feel like leaving Singapore even for a short while.

The fact that being 10 000 steps away already hurting me, and now being 10 000 miles away from you hurt me further.

And the fact that I can't bid you goodbye like I always used to.

The fact that I can't text or make a call from that destination just to tell you that I miss you like I always used to.

Imagine how quiet this life can be without you around.

Maybe you won't know.

To Dayang;

I hope this girl right here is strong like she has always been.

I hope she's doing fine in her life.

We used to meet almost all the time before, and I've seen her almost with tears some bits of time.

It hurts me each time, when I know someone is hurting her.

Well I hope she smile and laugh always, because she's been going through so much.

Indeed she's a great sister and a superb friend.

Like the Malay saying goes, "berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul".(:

InsyaAllah, will always pray for you.

Amin.

i miss you)'':

i still could remember the look on your face when you blush, it just made me want to pinch you cheeks till it burst out from your face, but instead I got pinchd th most.

Maybelline Magnum advert done from scratch, I'm beginning to love it.

2010-04-28T01:40:00.007+08:00

If you feel lonely, just look inside you, someone will be there to love you.

Sometimes it needs courage to able to see how much someone care for you.

Be it love for someone or love for family & friends.

It doesn't matter because when it concerns the name of love, it all came out sincerely and it seldom can be seen.

Certain people stayed but most left.

Its funny, isnt it?

Sometimes I do have a thought, each time, anyone I cared most needs me, I never failed to be there.

And that each time, I did with sincerity.

But sometimes when I need them, they just weren't there.

Then I just smiled, and just said," its okay, i'm fine, God will help me."

I'm glad I still have these people around, Hanisha, who never fail to make me laugh, Kak Yana, who has always been my best big sister, Dayang, a good sister thanks for being there despite of busy at work, Wahidah, a great cousin who make me go gaga, heh, Ayu, small sister since sec sch, *paling manja and still is.hehe and whoever else that I've not mention, theres just too many, I may have always said that I care or miss you all, and its true I do be it we're close or not so close.

Thank you.

Loved.

I like seeing people happy and smiling.

I'm sorry I might change.

I could feel it.

A quiet person.

I miss you very much.

Lost, 10 000 steps away.

2010-04-27T11:34:00.007+08:00

When I need to stretch my legs just to reach to you.

I'm in the office now.

Done with my work, well maybe for now.

Yesterday, doctor gave me 2 days mc, he said that my blood pressure went down, because of stress & tension.

And I'm not eating my medicines yet.heh, lazy.

And i forced myself to go to office.-.-

I didn't expect that text from you yesterday.

Trust me, at first I didn't know what to reply, by right, I dont even want to reply because I dont know what to say.

But ended up I replied you just to make you feel better.

I dont want you to feel guilty, I dont want you to know that I'm hurt, and I'm in pain.

And you continued with your text msges, which made me emotional that moment.

Seriously, I know you know me too well, too well that I cant even hide anything from you anymore.

I can't be bothered by guys outside there like you said.

You know my heart, my feelings as much as i do.

But one thing, you still yet understood them.

I hope whatever you're doing right now is not what I'm thinking.

I swear I miss you so much, and I didn't want to end the conversation but I forced myself to end it.

I know after whatever feelings that I let out to you, it made you can't bear.

I can't read your mind like before.

I dont know what you're feeling and what are your intentions or motives

But I gues, I can't make you happy.

Even though I sacrificed so much for you whether you've seen it or not.

I never blame you.

Trust me, I love you.

I will be 10 000 steps away from you, seeing you, missing you, smiling at you, crying at you.

But I will always be behind you because if you fall, I will be the first one running to you and bring you up again.

Allah will help you, I will always pray for you,love.

I will be strong for you & Allah.

I love you, ________.

30 days to end of attachment.

Not exactly, subtract the weekends.

Once it ended, one burden will be gone.

I love this design so much because, because I did everything from scratch, and boss said, excellent without any bad comments or rejection. *thumbs up Mastura*

I'm promoting myself, anyone want to hire me as freelance graphic designer.(:

2010-04-26T10:37:00.002+08:00

On top of it, I'm useless.

I'm still down like someone who just got into an accident.

The recovery might take a long time.

I woke up today still having tears around my eye bags.

It just showed that I cried the night before in silence.

I didn't want people to see or know.

I kept quiet.

As silence is just the only thing that could come to mind right now.

I might be telling and reminding everyone to be happy, to smile more, just because I dont want the people I love to land on the same situation like me right now.

Being in a sad situation.

Seeing others being sad or hurt, it tortured me further.

I wanted to ignore, but I ended up still going to yours and still get updates but just kept quiet about it.

Thats the reason why, I didn't want to update my facebook anymore, because each time I do, I might let out how I feel and you will see.

I became numb, and I might become someone different right now, a quiet person.

But you, you know you deserve to be happy, you have all your friends supporting you, your family and your special someone and me which you might not want to know about.

Not at attachment, tired & restless.

"I just hope God open all the passages."

I love you still from a distance.

2010-04-26T00:15:00.004+08:00

Theres something in me that never change.

Patience.

Yesterday, a news broke out and I didn't know what to react and how.

I told myself to be calm, so I was, but it wasn't for long until I just break down like someone who loses her faith.

I went to work with so much pretend on my face.

But I kept breaking down, and had to hide my tears so I ran straight to the toilet each time I had to.

I kept quiet most of the time, and I was gathering much strength.

There was one thing in my mind, and I still could remember what I told bestfriend.

I told her of all the things that made me sad and disappointed, I'm even more disappointed with myself.

I'm disappointed because I might not able to make you happy like she does.

I'm disappointed because I become so much a burden to you even though I was loving you with all my heart, till you let go.

And now I'm nothing compared to her.

I'm just that cactus, but she's the rose.

And I used to be your glowing star like you always said

I'm in so much pain but I'm keeping quiet, so that you won't know.

I will always pray for your happiness.

I would rather being the one suffering, hurt, and I would rather take your place each time you feel hurt, because I dont want you to feel any pain.

I cant bear.

I really cant bear.

I dont care what people gona call me.

Some may call me stupid, some may call me an angel.

I trust Allah and I believe in Allah, each time I do something, I will think of him and Allah.

Allah, please give me strength, because I know I'm falling apart, but I will continue to be strong.

I love you still from that distance.

Everyone is pushing me away including you.

I'm lost, I'm numb and I'm running away.

I wont be active as before.

I wont be as cheerful as before.

Will rarely see my smile and laughter.

I'm sorry to you and alot of people, I know I've made alot of mistakes along the way.

I know I've been a bitch whether I realise it or not.

Takdir, yang nama jodoh itu adalah takdir yang ditentukan.

Seberapa bnyk kekuatan manusia yang ingin melakukan sesuatu untuk mendapatkan ape yang mereka mahu, tidak akan menandingi takdir.

Tuhan lebih tahu. Hikmah akan datang sebaik sahaja, Tuhan membalik kan keadaan.

InsyaAllah, bahawasanya tidak ade yang sia2.

"CRYING)':"

____[ePiSoDeS oF My LyFe]____

To "Fürst" :Alles Gute zum Geburtstag! Ich liebe dich, Fürst ♥

[ePiSoDeS oF My LyFe]